Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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