I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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