Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
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