We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
