if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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