i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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