maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
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What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
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I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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