Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
