but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
