I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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