a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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