All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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