Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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