I'm jealous of your bromance
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
