I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
