I heard we made out
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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