Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
