I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
