We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
