I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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