when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
