I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
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He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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