Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
