K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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