all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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