Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
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