I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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