I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
