So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
