Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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