I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
