I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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