I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Randomize
