I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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