i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
sick fucks of a feather flock together
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
