i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
