i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
