Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You made out with two different species that night
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
