There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
He had one of those small greek statue penises
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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