Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
