I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
My vagina just recognized that song.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
