so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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