4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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