I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
