If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
