I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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