i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
