Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
