whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
