Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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