I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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