you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
