I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
