just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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