toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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