I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
