you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
