Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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