the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize