The brown eye won't let me do that either.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
sarcasm needs its own font
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
