He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
